i think…

i’m just as far in as i’ll ever be out.

she feels so close now, yet she’s so far away. oh she’s far away.

i know she’s so far away.

yet, sometimes i feel…

like i smelled her in the winds lately.

her scent, one i cannot forget, was in the air.

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pardon me…

i’m just waiting for my real life to begin.

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http://youppe.wordpress.com

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this is a reply to Julie, who commented in the previous post. because it’s too long i decided to post this as a new blog entry (since i haven’t updated in a long time)

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helo.. sorry for the long absence, quite busy with work
& other stuff right now. well, glad you liked my writing. just a piece of
my mind.

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 "she"? well, i’ve always stressed (curious ppl
always asked) that "she" is not important. it doesn’t matter who
"she" is. what matters is the lesson taught and learned. is it the
truth? to the best of my knowledge, for sure. but a little cooked up with
immaturity, anger, frustation, etc., i admit. and like any other issues, (including
the global ones like peak oil, global warming, etc), there’s always two sides
of a story. so don’t judge "her" based on my writing, that was never
my intention in the first place. (i would’ve put in her name for value if my
intention was just to humiliate her). the stories were just put up simply to
illustrate a situation we all could learn from. so again, "she" is
not important.

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for what it’s worth though… she is a friend. will always
be, for me. i don’t regard her as someone from the past, because frankly, she
never vanished. from my life, at least. in fact, she’s here & now, like a
ghost. a good ghost, though. because she reminds me of the boy i once was, and
how far i’ve come to be the man i am today. she reminds me of the strength i
needed to grow up. she reminds me of innocence, determination, will & courage
to change, and God. she’s there in my "burden of knowledge". she’s in
every good thing i’ve achieved, and will achieve. she really is… something
else.

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me and her, is just a very bad case of wrong timing. me and
her, we were caught in a difficult situation far exceeded our age &
maturity. we were boy & girl. i’ve always wondered what it would be like if
we were to meet at a later time, in another situation. at a time when we were
both older and wiser, and have found
maturity through lessons of life. in a situation where we are man and woman.
i’ve always wondered how it would be to start over, to just go back to the beginning of all
things. would it turn out to be the same? or would it be a fairytale?

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that’s the reason she’s still here. as ghost, haunting me.
the regret. for not being able to return the strength, joy & inspiration
she has given to me. the guilt. of hurting her, time and time again. for
breaking her heart, time and time again. more than anything, i craved for a
chance to make things right, even only as friends. more than anything, even if
i won’t admit it and pretend to move on. until then, i think the ghost of her
will always be in the air that i breath.

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when i browsed back through the archives, i realized that
this blog is all about her. it’s a tome of her. of ‘our’ story. of immaturity,
regret, and failed dreams.

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this is a real-life version of a fairytale. it’s the story of my life.

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ps..

one thing that i could tell you for sure is that, there is
no such thing as coincidence. coincidence doesn’t exist. it’s just a concept,
thought of by coward men who can’t handle the truth. it’s just a made-up
reason, so they don’t have to acknowledge something that cut through their
heart. so they can dismiss something as ‘just coincidence’, when they know in
their hearts, it happens for a reason. everything happens for a reason. the
days, the nights, the little things, the sickness, the joy, the pain.. no one
single thing in this world serves no purpose. it’s the LAW OF THE UNIVERSE, as
God had set it to be. the only problem with us mere mortals, is that we don’t
know EXACTLY what the reason is for something. we can think of many reason for
something, but only God knows the exact reason for it. even the apparent,
obvious ones, do we really know what is God’s intention behind it? so my
friends, please don’t just dismiss something as ‘just coincidence’. it sounds
so unintelligent and bland.

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sorry, i’ve deleted some older posts that i think should not
be written in the first place.

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check out the new links i put up in here (on the left side)

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if i had known the last time i saw you would be the last time,

i would’ve stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you…

if i had known the last time i kissed you would be the last time,

i never would’ve stopped.

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hello there..

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aidilfitri came and went again. people say it’s overrated, but tell that to those who have to go offshore for SapuraCrest the day before raya, they’ll tell you something else. despite somewhat losing its festive feel in recent years, raya is still an excellent mark on the calendar to reflect on past mistakes, ask for forgiveness and forgive, start anew, and contemplate for the future. it’s still a feel-good day, if you’re not out in offshore Sabah laying Kikeh deepwater pipelines, of course.

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me, i’ve been up and down the country during the week. open houses, weddings, raya visits, etc. well, just trying out my Honda, first time taking it out of KL. felt like we really have ‘bonded’ now, ahaha, kinda like my ol’ Kancil.

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anyway, this month is my last month at Dialog Group Bhd, my last day is on the 27th. yeah, it’s only been 5 months there, but when you have to go, you just have to go. for better prospects, ‘greener’ pastures, personal satisfaction or whatever, people come and go as they tend to, be it 5 months or 5 years, or 50 years. it’s a pity, because i’m just starting to really get going at Dialog. and well, leaving always sucks. new friends, new teachers, new colleagues, etc…. whatever. i’m starting at Scomi Group Bhd in november, a few weeks away. well, i’m raring to go, excited of the challenges ahead. Scomi is a billion-dollar oil & gas company, with worldwide presence, controlled by bumiputras, with rather ‘pleasant’ presence of MCOBA people (the ceo’s an old boy). despite it’s ‘misinformed’ political scandal, it’s a good learning place for young people, so they say. emmm so my work email syamsulfarizz@dialogasia.com will cease to exist starting november, so please don’t send anything important there.

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so much to write, so little time. anyway, SELAMAT HARI RAYA, MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN to everybody. people tend to overlook the ones who cared the most about them. so forgive, and start anew. forgive, and start anew.

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p/s.. oil hit record high near USD90.00 per barrel at the time of writing. it is expected to reach historic USD100.00 per barrel by year end. it’ll surge up the ceiling in no time if US invade Iran, thats for sure. you get what i mean? we live in the end of days.

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hi there.. it’s been a long time, right?

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ahaha.. i actually have so much to say, but i don’t know… maybe it’s because this blog is not that relevant to me as of late.. ’starcrossed’ don’t apply anymore, if you know what i mean (as azni fervently pointed it out to me aha).. but as i’m writing this, i’m beginning to realize just how much i’m missing this.. this space, this same old whine about the same old thing.. i missed writing. but as i said, i might have to change the name, or layout or something. only then my ‘appetite’ would come back, i guess. ahaha… somehow when i look back at those things i wrote, it all seemed so old.. it all seemed light years away from where i’m standing now.. but it’s true.. all of them were my true feelings, the way i see things.. which made me a little proud :).. that’s the thing i missed most i guess..

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changing the blog’s name would be appropriate i guess.. as i’m on a different plain now.. how life could turn you in an instant, right?.. it’s easy to compromise and overlook the simplest details, but when you finally understand the bigger picture, and oversee the unfolding events, you know you’re destined for better things. it really would fall into place, the pieces of this life. one queen is actually just a pawn in the making of your history. ‘i don’t deserve it’ is the biggest overstatement of the century, because actually you deserve something better. way better. and with faith intact, i’m sure you’ll find it one fine day, my friends. and you’ll just laugh and praised the works of God, when you look back from there. i know you think it’s a lot of crap, but believe me, i could tell you.

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but for me, in the end nothing is lost. because the wisdom, and knowledge you gained from the experience is priceless. well, if you think it’s just plain wasting time, energy and money, for things that actually don’t worth much at all, then it’s up to you.. it’s just the way i see things. ahaha…

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i’m working now, at phileo damansara. i’m in oil & gas, despite 4 years studying in construction. it’s basically the same thing, but of course technically it’s totally different (u get me?).. i guess i like it here, oil & gas is actually my latest passion (apart from the better pay aha). did you know that despite petronas owning all oil & gas reserves in malaysia, the largest producer in this country is exxonmobil? (despite only a handful of esso and mobil stations you see here in malaysia, exxonmobil is the BIGGEST company in the world - and not just in oil & gas category) . staggering fact, isn’t it. but still petronas raked up another record profit in the financial year just ended (but what you’d expect - with the high oil prices, takkan loss kot?).. err.. ok, i should stop right now, before i go on to scomi, halliburton, middle-east countries, etc.. i know you don’t wanna know about that ahaha.

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well, i should stop here. you know what, the things that have been happening in my life, seemed so real to me, because when i met this sage of a man i know in kuala kangsar not so long ago, he said to me.. "when you think you don’t deserve something, it’s actually the other way around. but you gotta have faith."

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so my friends (you know who you are).. i know it’s hard to believe.. but it’s true.

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have faith. you’ll get there.

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cheers

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in the confusion, and the aftermath,

you are my SIGNAL FIRE..

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.. i’m a stitch away, from making it..

.. and a scar away, from falling apart..

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i could write it even better than you’ll ever feel it.

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SWAY

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i talk to you as to a friend,

i hope that’s what you’ve come to be,

it feels as though we’ve made amends,

like we found a way eventually..

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it was you who picked the pieces up,

when i was a broken soul,

and then glued me back together,

returned to me what others stole..

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I DON’T WANNA HURT YOU,

I DON’T WANNA MAKE YOU SWAY,

LIKE I KNOW I’VE DONE BEFORE,

I WILL NOT DO IT ANYMORE…

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A DREAMER,

I’VE HAD MY HEAD AMONG THE CLOUDS,

AND NOW THAT I AM COMING DOWN,

WILL YOU BE MY SOLID GROUND?

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i looked at you and see a friend,

i hope that’s what you wanna be,

are we back now where it all began,

have you finally forgiven me?

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I DON’T WANNA HURT YOU,

I DON’T WANNA MAKE YOU SWAY,

LIKE I KNOW I’VE DONE BEFORE,

I WILL NOT DO IT ANYMORE…

I’VE ALWAYS BEEN A DREAMER,

I’VE HAD MY HEAD AMONG THE CLOUDS,

AND NOW THAT I AM COMING DOWN,

WILL YOU BE MY SOLID GROUND?

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the perishers

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hey guys..

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final semester.. extremely busy.. no time,.. bla bla bla… well, what else would you expect, right? nothing less. it’s been 4 years, time really does fly i guess.

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you know what? i started this blog to write anything i like, anything thats currently plaguing my head. just things off my mind. i like to write i guess (though i would not say its my passion). maybe its because i like to read. i don’t know really. it’s for myself, and i certainly don’t expect anyone to read it at all. so it really came as a surprise to me when my writings became a hot gossip people talk about. well, you know, about "her". ahaha people, they never had enough. all we want is more. one controversy after another? i would gladly obliged, but that’s really not my intention. some say it’s just the storytelling, they didn’t know who "she" is. they’re in it just for the story, and how i documented it. some, well, in our circle of friends, just curious to know the girl who they thought they knew. of course at first they didn’t know who "she" is, but after the "intelligent" guy insanely wrote her name in the comments, the whole world knew after that. and then the messages came flooding in.. "betul ke die?".. well, people could change. if they could change for better, they certainly could change for the worse. stupid girls, they do that (and i’m glad i’ve known so many intelligent women in my life)….. it’s getting worse, from what i heard. of course what i "heard" might not be entirely true, as i have not seen it myself, but actually that’s the whole point. she once said to me, why she won’t tolerate "dating", because it could "mendatangkan fitnah". and when people said bad things about her that i "heard", she would probably understood that, because what she did could "mendatangkan fitnah". i don’t know if she could remember that far back when she still wore big tudung and decent, loose clothes, but i wonder when all of that speech went into thin air. i heard so many nasty things about her, some unbelievable things. but when you consider how fast she changed during the year, anything possible. dah boleh tgk wayang? kluar malam? dah kluar pegang tangan??? u can’t believe it can’t you.. neither do i. i never saw it, but i "heard". now that’s a cliche, right there ahaha…. you know what? my friends said lets just take care of this guy. this orange-haired guy, who came when she’s vulnerable and corrode her every principles.. lets just give him a lesson or something to think about. she used to be someone respected, and looked-up to by everyone,.. but now everyone’s saying .. "ooo rupe-rupenye die ni macam ni ke…" .. but i don’t blame him. i really don’t. he could come and corrode any girl like her left, that’s his life. for me, you shouldn’t be stupid enough to swallow it. and how stupid is she? well, it’s ok to be in love, but "losing" yourself? that’s a new low. and a disgrace to women too.

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me? well, i care. always will. i’m even deeply concerned at how smaller her tudung gets, and how tighter and fitter her clothes are getting these days. some time last week, a girl friend even said to me that she was shocked to see her dress like that. ahaha, well i know you think that i might like it, you know, being a man, the tighter the better?.. i try to search for sense of "joy" deep inside of me about it…. but i got nothing. it surprises me too, guess i’m really concerned about her. but of course you don’t believe it, and i don’t really care if you didn’t believe it… and she never grew up either. i thought maybe she has matured over the years, but it’s still the same ol’ her. always thinking for herself, and the easy way out. just run. of course to gain respect, you must first respect other person’s feelings. how could she never get that, and always think just for herself? i don’t even know what are her problems now, and it’s been like.. 3 years maybe? but there she was, like the old days… running away. at least when God asked me, i know i’ve tried my best. she just kept running away. does she thinks i’m still in love with her? if she read this she’ll know it for sure. i will always care, and will always be looking out for her. but she’s changed so much that i barely recognized her anymore. all her principles that made me think she was special, now are all gone. now she’s just another girl i knew, who’s been sucked by the wave and drowned herself in this world. and i know quite a number of them too.

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i could rant all night long about hypocrites, but i guess i should stop here.. (well, the game’s about to start..). i tried to keep this to myself, but if i can’t write in my own blog, then what’s the point of having it. of course it would be more convenient for all parties if i could say this face-to-face, but i guess that’s not going to happen (not in this lifetime maybe?). so,whatever. i’m always amused by her ability these days, to further degrade herself even faster than my silver mclaren in NFS Carbon. she has become so cheap, amidst of all the people around her, up to a point that it’s not even funny anymore.

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what a fall from grace.

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fuh, this post is soooo hot that i really, really hope no one’s reading it. well, it’s just a piece of my mind.

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//ps…i guess my phone number is not hard to find. i’m at mahallah uthman, block F 2.8. if anything, contact me. just don’t leave any cowardly comments here, in MY blog. (cowards and hypocrites.. i guess they go hand in hand).

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